A Purr of Energy

Feeling too busy for a dog, and really preferring cats anyways, we found our four month old kitten at a local animal shelter. With a little difficulty agreeing on a name she ended up with two names: MaryMilo.

She has proven herself naughty by constantly exploring places she's not supposed to be.

One day I had spent the entire afternoon repairing my baby blanket that she had shredded and stood up from my sewing machine to find that she had spilled paint all over our shoes and floor.

The lid to the paint can was warped and she had knocked it over. I panicked, picked up the paint can, and brought it, dripping, to the garbage. 

We kept her away from the paint for three days before it dried enough for us to peel it off of the floor.

Yet, MaryMilo's naughtiness isn't entirely a bad thing. It provides something to talk about. I can remember several nights in college where I would be hanging out with a friend or two, and none of us would have the energy to create energy for the group. It reminds me of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Raymond and Deborah go out for dinner and can't find anything to talk about. Deborah gets upset and says that they've become "one of those couples."

When we first brought MaryMilo home we were in the middle of a overwhelming semester in Owen's PhD program. We had spend the preceding weeks drained of energy and it was getting to a point where neither of us could gather enough energy to cheer the other.  MaryMilo brought a spark of life into the house and provided us with the comedic relief we needed. One evening when we were both frustrated and low energy, MaryMilo bolted down the stairs jumped on the round chair and knocked it over causing both of us to laugh. Had she not been there, we may not have laughed together that night. 

Whether we're chasing her away from the countertops, throwing paintbrushes for her to fetch, or cuddling with her on the couch, MaryMilo's extreme kitten-energy is contagious and helps give us the energy we need to encourage each other through stressful times. 

Open Your Eyes. Open Your Heart.

I quit my job! (Sort of) I still work for the Arc, but starting Thursday I will be considered indefinitely unavailable to take on any shifts. So, as if I were quitting entirely, I gave my two weeks notice so that they could start finding replacements. For those readers who are unfamiliar with the Arc, we provide respite services for families who have children with disabilities and household services to older adults with disabilities. I love the people, but the unwieldy schedule and constant driving between homes are an absolute headache.

The last two weeks have yielded a range of emotions. First I was sad to leave. Besides Owen, the only people I see on a regular basis are those I work with, and we have been through a lot together. I work in their homes helping them to prepare food, shower, care for wounds, and any other random task they ask me to do. I have helped them apply icy-hot to sore muscles, clipped their toenails, laughed with them, and found quiet routines in their presence. As I leave to take my own respite, I fear that the isolation may overwhelm me.

Once I had submitted my change of schedule I mentally checked out. Unengaged in what I was doing, I went through the motions daydreaming of my break to come. For the first time in a year of working with the Arc, I forgot to go to an assigned shift. My old-man-client-buddy didn't get his dinner that night, and I felt awful. I emailed him a note that I was sorry, and he responded, "It's okay. I had pop-tarts for dinner! HAHAHA!"

In the final days I find myself soaking in every minute. Though I ceased to notice it for the past several months, my job constantly offers new experiences. Within a three day period I faced new challenges, found more efficient solutions to previous problems, met new people, and talked about new subjects with the regulars. Suddenly my job had a new rush of meaning.

Why does it take an end to remind us of the novelty of the beginning?

Primed for new experiences, Owen and I decided to try out a new local bar this weekend.  We decided to talk to each other as if we were on a first date. I found that I listened better than usual. Owen talked about his childhood and family, and though I usually think that I've heard it all before, I actually noticed new details in what he said. I felt energized to share interesting stories about my family that I hadn't shared in a long time, like how my aunt used to live in a green school-bus on the Mesa in New Mexico. We didn't get bogged down in our current life issues, like often happens when we talk to each other.

Simply paying closer attention to the people around you, especially the day-to-day people, can make an average day feel like a day of new experiences and bring fresh interest in the people you see on a regular basis. In the first few weeks of working with the Arc, one of my clients shared a poem he had written with me. His words are simple, but they reflect with great depth his experience as a person with disabilities who's opinions and feelings are too often overlooked, even by those who are closest to him.
He says, "Open your eyes. Open your heart."

What If My Purpose In Life Is Lackluster?

Over a year ago, I described how my perceptions of love have changed in the post It's Not About Personality. Before, I thought love was admiration of the other person's character and enjoying the other person's personality. Yet, my love of Owen does not stem from jaw-dropping admiration so much as from a deep trust and appreciation of our partnership. In other words my love for Owen isn't just about Owen; it's about Owen AND it's about me. Our love is multi-faceted. Not only do I like Owen and think that he's pretty dang smart, I also like how I feel when I'm with him, how well we work together on projects, and how each of us has found inspiration in each other strong enough to change the course of our lives.

Though I still struggle with purpose. Yesterday I received the news that I will not be a poetry MFA student in the fall. In the folds of my mind it's a small jump from rejection letter to fear that I will not enjoy my purpose in life. As many others wonder if they even have a purpose in life, my struggle is slightly different, but really pretty much the same. I fear that God does have a defined purpose for me, but that I will find it lackluster. What if my purpose does not include writing? What if it doesn't involve my intellect at all? What if it isn't community oriented? What if it doesn't involve children?

"Life is short but it is wide--
it is so magical-- filled with mystery and wonder.
Butterflies are special to me.
Their life is the examined life--
it has passion, purpose, and a destiny."
Joan D'Arcy qtd. in Joyce Tenneson's Wise Women 

In high school and early college I had similar fears about my future husband. What if I found him boring? What if he didn't want to travel? What if he wasn't funny? Now I know the reality of Owen. Owen is not boring and does want to travel, and even though he wasn't exactly funny when we got together I do love him, and even like him.  

Perhaps my approach to purpose has been similar to my previous approach to love? Maybe I'm thinking of it too much in terms of a life I would admire: part time writing professor, writer, mom, gardener, world traveler.  I would be thrilled if my purpose in life involved achieving high credentials in the profession of writing, learning extensively of the world around me, raising children and teaching others how to express themselves better through writing. And maybe that is my purpose! Or maybe it's not. Or maybe parts of it are, but other parts of it are just societally driven desires for achievement in my life. 

Maybe no matter what my purpose is once I live it and experience it, I'll find something much deeper than admiration or achievement. As the keynote speaker at the 2011 St. Olaf graduation suggested, perhaps I'll find significance.

Oh, and about that Owen not being funny thing-- he's learned. Tonight as he grilled us some flank steak, he danced around the kitchen doing disco moves to Love Machine. Oh yes. His continued desire to make me just a little bit happier in whatever ways he can has won my jaw-dropping admiration. 

For The Sake Of Lent, All Are Welcome

Typically I post my blogs on my Facebook... where half of my friends are southern baptists and the other half are either lutherans or atheists. So basically if Owen and I are honest about what we think, half will think that we are heathens and the other half will assume that we're dogmatic. Being moderate is always kind of like that.

Owen and I giving Saint Paul a high five

Thus, for the past year, I have much avoided speaking about our faith on this blog. But man, I LOVE lent. Lent would be as good as Christmas if I got to see my family. It's so pure in its avoidance of any secularism whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I love Santa Clause and Christmas lights, but Lent is different. It's calm, not celebratory. In its quietness it is often forgotten.

Lent is the most reflective and cleansing time of the church calendar, reminiscent of Jesus's forty days in the wild and Israel's forty years in the desert. It is a time to shed all that is not of God from our lives. Thus in the spirit of Lent, I seek to free myself from the fear that has kept me from giving you the whole story.

Here is a real example of what living between two extremes looks like. After President Obama was elected for the second time, my Facebook wall filled with a crazy range of responses. Many people posted things like,
"It makes me so sad that the people of The United States don't care about life."
and many other posted things like,
"Good to see that America actually cares about women and people who are poor now!"

To complicate matters, there are people whom we love and respect on both sides of the coin. That alone is enough to isolate us from those who can't even imagine what it is to respect the other side. Yet, of the many evangelicals, lutherans, muslims, atheists, conservatives and liberals I have shared life with, I find that all experience love for all living beings, compassion, and a deep down fear that they might actually have it all wrong. In that, I would suggest that we all need to have compassion for one another and stop pointing fingers at fellow human beings.

With fear of judgement from both evangelicals and atheists, yet with devotion to our faith, this is us. Our shared desire to be nearer to God is the very root of our marriage. The purity of love is important to us. We also support our brothers, sisters, and gender-confused siblings in the LGBTQIA community, and hope that our musings on marriage will be helpful to them as well, for Jesus says, "It is not what goes into your body that defiles you; you are defiled by what comes from your heart" (Mark 7:15).

Owen and I have a deep care and respect for the Bible. We have studied it extensively with a genuine desire to know what it has to tell us sans the cultural atmosphere surrounding it. We continue to pray that we will better understand and love God, as God knows Himself(Herself) to be. We also have a healthy respect for the Qua-ran and other sources of love and wisdom. We are of the small and usually unidentified group known as the Religious Left.

Individual Alone Time (Together)

The greatest struggle I've had since graduating, getting married, and moving to Iowa City has been the hit to my confidence. Since early childhood, I can remember a certain self assuredness that has guided me through school and friendships with ease. For the first time, I fear that I will never accomplish anything in my life, compounded by the greater fear that I will feel inadequate. I don't want to live my life always feeling that I'm not doing enough or accomplishing enough. 

So my struggle has been finding ways to advance myself while following Owen to Iowa City. I've taken a few classes, blogged, learned yoga, and continued to grow closer to Owen. All wonderful, great things that have improved my life.  Yet, on the day to day, week to week, living, thinking, feeling, doing level, all I have time for is working, making dinner, doing domestic work, taking care of Owen, and if we're lucky, spending a couple of enjoyable hours talking or relaxing together. 

This break down of life would be wonderful, if the work I am doing were the work I dream to do. Someday I hope to become a professor of writing at a private liberal arts college, like St. Olaf, involved in developing programs for ELL students. Yet I don't feel any closer to achieving that dream than I was a year and a half ago. I need to spend more time thinking and creating. I need focused alone time to work toward my goals.

Alone time has been a complicated issue for Owen and I. Neither of us really feel the need to separate from each other unnecessarily. We'd be happy to spend 24/7 in one another's company. Also, Owen, having a more anxious attachment style, has in the past felt nervous at the suggestion that I need time without his presence. Lately, as both of us have been learning to be more mindful of our needs, Owen has become more calm on this issue. So, I brought it up to him this week.

Owen in his natural state pre-marriage:
alone and learning abroad

Always understanding and supportive, Owen is ready to help me in my need for that focused time. His first suggestion: having individual alone time together by spending Sunday mornings walking to the coffee house nearby in silence, and then working in silence at the same table. Appreciative of his willingness to try new things, I accepted this proposal with the slight alteration that we would sit at different tables once we arrived. Owen didn't necessarily like this change, but he agreed. 

Sunday morning arrived rainy and cold, but we were dedicated. We arrived at Java House soaked through in forced silence, ordered some breakfast items and got to work. I found myself cold and agitated. Once alone I didn't know quite what to do with myself. This was the alone time that Owen had gifted me despite his own anxieties, and I couldn't do anything productive with it. 

I used to be an expert at alone time! I found it everywhere and enjoyed every minute of it, productive or not, and having it in my life made me a more confident person. Reflecting on how I used to be I surmise that alone time does not exist in the form of forced silence on a once a week excursion. It's a rhythm that underlies the daily tune; it's a way of life wherein you step back from everyone else's opinions and just think of what you yourself want to think about several times a day. When it's consistent it can then become productive and creative, and provide you with greater confidence in your opinions and feelings.

This is going to be a learning experience for both of us. I'm not just going to start taking myself to Java House and leaving Owen at home during those times that have routinely become moments for us to enjoy each other's company. Neither of us are ready for that yet. We are ready to admit that we each have a need for alone time that isn't being met, so we are going to start thinking of how we can bring it more into our lives.

We've determined that we want to have our alone time together, not that we're going to persist in forcing ourselves into silence, but that when we reunite we want to share what we have learned on our own with each other, so that we can continue to grow and change together. 

Different Strengths Create Partnership

Recently I took a values inventory that supposedly reveals my greatest character strengths. Considering this is the second posting in a row where I refer to a psychological test, I believe that being married to a counseling psychologist is starting to rub off on me... Anyways, the test is part of Martin E.P. Seligman's Authentic Happiness. Seligman suggests that in marital relationships, being able to use your character strengths in your relationship with your partner will lead to greater happiness.



Summer
1. Mercy and Forgiveness

2. Capacity to Love and Be Loved

3. Honesty, Authenticity, and Genuineness

4. Creativity, Ingenuity, and Originality

5. Curiosity and Interest in the World

Owen
1. Judgement, Critical Thinking, and Open-Mindedness
2. Love of Learning
3. Curiosity and Interest in the World
4. Spirituality, Sense of Purpose, and Faith
5. Creativity, Ingenuity, and Originality



Before we were dating, Owen and I travelled to Greece and Turkey as a part of the same travel abroad program. Both of us deeply value learning more about the world around us, and we are able to share in plans to live and study around the world. Our shared curiosity also shows in the tendency to go where we aren't necessarily supposed to go...

Other of our character strengths aren't so naturally shared. I can be honest to a fault, sharing every little negative thought that pops into my head, which can be difficult on Owen who isn't used to such candor. Owen's open-mindedness can prove inefficient as he examines every aspect of any decision, driving me crazy. Knowing that honesty and open-mindedness are more than just personality traits, but actually deeply held values helps us to be more understanding of these differences that arise between us. 

I know another ex-couple that never quite came to that understanding. One partner had Kindness and Generosity as a character strength; he desires to be of service to those he loves. He especially enjoys being helpful and doing favors. The other partner had a fierce independent streak and sometimes mistook such helpfulness as an indication that he found her incapable. This clashing of values eventually contributed to their break up.

For a relationship to succeed you must make the effort to understand and respect your partner's values and character strengths. The differences between you will provide a greater variety of strengths to contribute to challenges that you face as partners. Make the effort to learn more about what strengths your partner has to contribute and create a relationship where those strengths can flourish. 

If you are interested in taking the VIA Survey of Character Strengths visit www.authentichappiness.com.

Returning to Us

When the stress of Owen's school semester ended in mid December he returned to himself, which allowed me to return to myself and us to each other. I half expected us to have some sort of resentment or frustration with each other left over from the arguments that surfaced at the peak of the stress. So often those words that come out when everything feels like its falling apart last long after the world repairs itself.

Yet, instead of resentment we found joy. We found comfort and acceptance of all that passed and excitement to move into the future anew. I felt lucky. Stress and anxiety had so taken my mind in the months preceding Christmas that I'm positive that I responded to Owen with undue frustration on more than one occasion. I know that in the midst of it all he put too much weight on my shoulders. In other words, we were more crappy to each other than we had ever been before.

So I've been asking myself how we escaped unscathed. How did we come out of it still liking each other? My hypothesis is that we hold a few overarching philosophies that served us well, and may be of use to other couples facing the potential hazards of stress.

1. We know our own flaws; we know each others' flaws. We can accept these flaws in ourselves and each other and not take each others' flaws personally.

One thing that Owen learned about me from watching me interact with my family is that when I feel very stressed it negatively affects how I treat everyone around me. I just want everyone to leave me alone, and if people try to help me they're more likely to get their heads bitten off than a thank you.

Owen, when under stress, yearns for care and compassion from those around him. Owen also has a passive thing going on, so instead of asking for what he wants he will sometimes try to elicit it by acting mopey.  You can see how it would be difficult for us during those times when we both feel stressed: the last thing I want to do when I'm stressed is be patient and caring for someone who's acting mopey as a ploy to get my attention.

In those moments when I am cranky and Owen is mopey we're not different from any other couple who is fighting. I don't think that we're more careful or sensitive to each other. But we can distinguish each others' flaws from our own. Owen knows not to take my crankiness personally. I know that I'm not at fault when Owen feels mopey.

2. We're careful not to place or take blame.

How can anyone accurately place blame when a million factors go into every scenario? No one can! Blame has no use, and only encourages grudges, resentment, and shame. It is our philosophy that life is difficult, that people have trials and make mistakes, and that it is okay.

This may sound like the opposite of typical relationship advice, but I feel that people should be careful of giving undue apologies. Owen often tells me that he is sorry for doing something that he couldn't help doing, couldn't know would hurt me, or occurred by accident. By apologizing he takes blame onto himself, which makes him feel ashamed, and when he is ashamed he withdraws from me. I propose that we should own our mistakes, and accept each others' without requiring apology.

Though I do want to be careful here. Note that I say people should be careful of giving "undue apologies," because there are certainly times when apologies are due. These are the times when we act selfishly leading to the other's harm. Yet even in these situations, placing any sort of enduring blame will destroy a relationship.

3. We're secure in the mutual understanding that we love each other and want to be together.

If you are spending time worried that your partner's responses to stress, be it crankiness, mopiness, or otherwise, indicate that he or she doesn't love you anymore, then one or both of you may have an insecure attachment style. Owen and I found this quiz helpful for understanding the sources of anxiety within our relationship: Attachment Styles.

People with an anxious attachment style may have past experiences that lead them to irrationally fear that their partners will leave them, though they actually have healthy romantic relationships. Awareness of your own attachment style may help you understand if you are someone who has this tendency.

When life gets stressful you need to have faith in each other's love. If you allow a mistaken fear that your partner doesn't love you seep into your life, you may ruin a good thing. On the other hand, be sure to make that effort to show your partners how much you love them, especially when life is stressful!

Sometimes Owen and I just pause and say, "You're awful and I love you." It diffuses frustration and reminds us of the importance of accepting each other. Stress is temporary, and if you can maintain the conviction to love each other even in the thick of it, you can retain the hope that the future will be easier.