tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472713606155711652024-02-18T19:47:08.719-06:00My Modern MarriageLove Grows.Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-77936536546393927412015-03-01T20:44:00.002-06:002015-03-01T20:44:50.129-06:00Work-life balance and the end goal<div dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-ee0be34d-d85d-cfb7-995b-e616b7a87767" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I know I’m not the only millenial that grew up hearing, “You can be anything you want to be when you grow up.” And everyone said it: parents, teachers, television. The first day of my high school psychology class, the teacher asked us what we wanted to be. In the entire class, there was one person who said, “I just want to be a mom.” </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Living in Iowa City, one of the first questions I get from most people is “are you a student?” When I say, “no I work,” the next question is, “what do you do?” And I find that I don’t want to answer. It </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">bugs</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> me to be defined by my job. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Recent conversation between me and the Vice President:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">VP: Where do you want to be in 5 years?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Me: I want to write fiction and raise kids.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">VP: So you want to be at home, working on fiction?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Me: Yes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Owen called my response risky. In reality I just can’t think on the spot, so the only thing that can come out of my mouth is pure, unedited honesty. She was nice, but it felt like I was supposed to give a different answer, something about climbing the ladder. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I have the luxury of working my tail off at work, then coming home and ignoring my email and phone until the next work day. Owen, on the other hand, has homework to do. He doesn’t even get work-life separation, let alone work-life balance.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Don’t let his being in a Ph.D. fool you—Owen’s aspirations and mine are actually very similar. Right now, he doesn’t always get to spend the time he wants to on “life” away from work. But Owen isn’t in his Ph.D. program to work toward a career goal. He’s in it to work toward a family goal. </span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">For us, work-life balance is about why we’re working, not just how much we’re working. I “just” want to be a mom. Owen “just” wants to be a dad. We are working toward finding careers that will allow us to spend as much time with each other as possible and to be emotionally available to our kids and those around us.</span>Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-15497506911302267432015-02-13T21:30:00.000-06:002015-02-13T21:32:27.902-06:00Love GrowsWe did want to get pregnant. It was planned. But for some reason, the moment I saw those two pink lines, I felt like I was strapped into a roller coaster that I didn't want to be on, and it was rolling forward.<br />
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Now, D-Day is less than five weeks away, and I have Grown. And our house has shrunk, as baby things overflow the room I thought we had.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_hNf04ZYADnUFiOlGjLDUoXNpiUaKYcd53ljxgn19EYhhyqXbdCuCQtVx6xJCwV9vwet-AxHRWnjMBdOb6yj4-rcKYrjqMuC73OSazq8H_3L15jvSIAKo6EyygtxpvGSZh7OuaHP5ek/s1600/10683460_10202728491354678_8345209181507506017_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_hNf04ZYADnUFiOlGjLDUoXNpiUaKYcd53ljxgn19EYhhyqXbdCuCQtVx6xJCwV9vwet-AxHRWnjMBdOb6yj4-rcKYrjqMuC73OSazq8H_3L15jvSIAKo6EyygtxpvGSZh7OuaHP5ek/s1600/10683460_10202728491354678_8345209181507506017_o.jpg" height="224" width="320" /></a></div>
And Owen is starting to wonder if he will still get love and attention after the baby is born. Between his Ph.D. program, my job, and keeping our house from becoming a complete mess, we don't get enough time together as it is, and now he'll have to compete for my time with a baby? He doesn't stand a chance. And MaryMilo (our giant tortie monster-cat) still thinks that the crib is for her—she's in for a surprise.<br />
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The YouTube series "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdtD19tXX30" target="_blank">Convos with My 2 Year Old</a>" takes real conversations between daddy and child and reenacts them with an adult man as the child. For one, the videos are hilarious. They also highlight an interesting relationship dynamic between daddies and children: the children are interlopers. They're demanding strangers who come in and steal your wives. <br />
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But we've discovered something about love from our relationship together: Love Grows.<br />
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We thought we'd lose friends in becoming a couple, instead we've gained each others' friends, and family. And our friends are getting married and adding more friends. I'm not saying it's always easy. Adding new people to existing relationships creates all sorts of roll confusion, jealousy, and sometimes divisiveness. But none of those things come from love.<br />
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I think the most common contender to love in growing families is idolization. New parents have so many things to idolize: the baby, future dreams, old habits, ideas of what it is to be a mom or a dad, to name a few. <br />
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Now Owen and I have the opportunity to let the love we have for each other grow to include love for our baby. We don't expect to completely avoid the pitfalls of idolization, but we know what to look out for.Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-68015723137121088772015-02-13T20:16:00.003-06:002015-02-13T20:27:40.263-06:00We're Back!Hello! It has been a very long time. I almost forgot how to get to the editor. (and let's be honest, the new header needs work!) But I'm so excited for this year's theme, and Valentine's Day, that I couldn't wait. Beautification will just have to come later.<br />
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After nearly more than a year hiatus, I am excited to get back to My Modern Marriage. Blogging helped me through those hard first two years of marriage, and now... things are changing again as we enter parenthood. We are expecting the arrival of our baby girl March 17.<br />
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Goals for phase 3 of My Modern Marriage:<br />
1. Do not turn My Modern Marriage into a Mommy Blog. Keep the focus on marriage and the crazy stretch mark our marriage is gaining.<br />
2. Do include <i>some</i> cute baby stuff.<br />
3. Do post every two weeks.<br />
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Preview of things on my mind to blog about:<br />
1. Love Grows<br />
2. The poisonous dish rack<br />
3. Career envy<br />
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But, who knows, once baby is born the poisonous dish rack may not seem as interesting. ;-)<br />
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<br />Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-5431676817623354952013-07-20T15:08:00.003-05:002013-07-21T19:58:26.422-05:00Thoughts on Nostalgia<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;">Nostalgia: a sentimentality for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.</span></div>
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Upon getting married, I fully expected to experience that short stretch of time known as the honeymoon phase. A time when you are so happy to be together that nothing else really matters or concerns you. We didn't even have a trace of the honeymoon phase after getting married. We had too many other things to deal with, and life was very difficult for us. During this time, Owen turned to childhood nostalgia as a means of alleviating the daily stress.</div>
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I felt so saddened by my new husband's yearning for a time that didn't include me. Rather than excitement for our new life together, he desired to turn to the past. I know better now that this didn't have to do with me so much as our being thrust into adult life, and with the added responsibility of caring for an extra person. As much as our society has progressed past traditional roles, many married men still feel the pressure to provide necessities as well as luxuries for their wives and children, sending many men yearning for Rosebud<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;">*</span>. </div>
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The term Nostalgia, coined in the 1600's, was first used as a medical condition for people, often soldiers or sailers, who were so homesick that they lost their senses. In modern times nostalgia has developed a more positive connotation as suggested by the dictionary definition above. Now, nostalgia is often viewed as an enjoyable way to recount the past with friends and family. </div>
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According to recent research on nostalgia, <i><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/09/science/what-is-nostalgia-good-for-quite-a-bit-research-shows.html?_r=0" target="_blank">New York Times: What is Nostalgia Good For?</a></i>, it can help people feel more connected to their communities and their loved ones and can make life feel more worthwhile. At its best nostalgia isn't a yearning or a comparison to a less happy present, but a time of reflection.</div>
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I find that when Owen and I can share in nostalgia, such as in comparing childhood stories or recounting happy memories from the beginning of our relationship we feel closer to one another and happier to be together. </div>
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For my birthday this week, Owen (not a morning person) woke up at 7:15 to light the charcoal grill. We cooked french toast and bacon over the fire, and nestled a foil bowl of strawberries and peaches under the grate. My sister found a tablecloth and set the table with pretty glass.</div>
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The food tasted so good that I found myself eating it very quickly. At some point I realized what I was missing in my haste-- I stopped eating and looked at my family and looked at the beautiful food. I breathed the image in and stored it in a place in my mind that I could look back to it years from now for future nostalgia. </div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;">*In the film <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citizen_Kane" target="_blank">Citizen Kane</a>, </i>Charles Foster Kane, a rich and successful businessman with two failed marriages, dies alone in his mansion uttering the words "Rosebud." Journalist Jerry Thompson spends the rest of the film trying to understand Citizen Kane's personal life and the significance of Rosebud. In the end of the film, viewers learn that Rosebud refers to his childhood sled, a symbol of the happiest, most free time of his life. </span></div>
Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-43387954973032942162013-07-08T15:30:00.000-05:002013-07-08T15:36:28.368-05:00Love is Sharing the Awkward<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;"><b>Embarrassment</b> is an emotional state of intense discomfort with oneself, experienced upon having a socially unacceptable act or condition witnessed by or revealed to others.</span></span></div>
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When I was in my early teens, my family had dinner at Pappadeaux for the first time. At the end of the meal, our waiter took our left-overs to the kitchen to package them. A few minutes later he returned with another waiter from the restaurant. He explained to us that the other waiter had lost our left-overs, and insisted that the other waiter apologize, making certain that we knew it was not his fault. It was so insignificant a moment, but my emotional response was so strong that it has always stuck with me: I felt disgusted that our waiter was so evasive of blame as to cause more embarrassment than necessary for the waiter who lost the food. It was such an unimportant thing--losing the left-overs.</div>
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This memory pairs with a later one in my mind, when I was staying with a friend of a friend and accidentally broke a ceramic bowl. I was so embarrassed and felt so awkward. My friend, one Lisa York, joined in my mistake by telling the other, "we broke a bowl," thus relieving me of my embarrassment. That is a good friend. </div>
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Have you ever seen it when one partner in a couple is clearly embarrassed by the other? One partner may tell a joke that doesn't go over well in a crowd, and rather than laughing anyways, the other partner rolls his or her eyes. Such a response to an awkward moment not only reveals discomfort with the hypothetical embarrassing partner, but a lack of loyalty or compassion in the relationship. I know when I see this pattern in other couples I'm usually more bothered by the partner rolling his eyes than I am by the partner telling the lame joke.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-9XQ2DXTO7OBP-Jn1zr7uXsbKB0YfIks0eApFVczpuHBdhILKuwiBHC6QiWhO7AVx06Gz6twvxFmLh84jA0HzuDQEGnkrLCS-ZJ7aOnLcvM4tjTEwG_Bzf_e1FmNXd-Jk4YDKKjw9p5A/s1600/DSC_0599.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-9XQ2DXTO7OBP-Jn1zr7uXsbKB0YfIks0eApFVczpuHBdhILKuwiBHC6QiWhO7AVx06Gz6twvxFmLh84jA0HzuDQEGnkrLCS-ZJ7aOnLcvM4tjTEwG_Bzf_e1FmNXd-Jk4YDKKjw9p5A/s320/DSC_0599.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awkward Engagement Photo</td></tr>
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Yet, sometimes being the eye-roller is tempting. When your partner says or does something that you would never do-- maybe dancing badly or giving away a little too much personal information<br />
-- it feels like others will attribute the awkward behavior to you, and distinguishing yourself as separate from the behavior is the natural reaction. </div>
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When we give into the temptation to separate ourselves from something embarrassing our partner does, we create separation not only from the behavior, but from the partner (and being unsupportive of our partners doesn't look very good to onlookers either). Is trying to save ourselves from a little embarrassment really worth divisive actions?</div>
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Joining in on an awkward moment and acting as if it isn't awkward or embarrassing at all not only avoids divisiveness, but creates a stronger partnership over all. Let the world laugh. What does it hurt?</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;">"There's a certain character that can be built from embarrassing yourself endlessly. If you can sit happy with embarrassment, there's not much else that can really get to ya." Christian Bale</span></div>
Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-68803655689239504512013-06-21T10:29:00.001-05:002013-06-21T10:29:45.612-05:00I Will Wait For YouAs popular as it is right now, Mumford and Sons' <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGKfrgqWcv0" target="_blank"><i>I Will Wait</i></a> frequently sticks in my head. This idea of waiting for the right person is a common and romantic theme in media. There is a suggestion that waiting for the the right person, known or unknown, will lead to a beautiful, albeit delayed, love.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; line-height: 18px;">“...of all the hardships a person had to face none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting.” </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;">―</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">Khaled Hosseini</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">,</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><i>A Thousand Splendid Suns</i></span></span><br />
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But what exactly are we waiting for? Commonly the idea of waiting for someone romantically insinuates one of two things: (1) The beloved is absent, such as in the instance of a typical WWII movie where the brave soldier goes to war while the pretty and worried beloved waits for him at home; (2) a body purity concern.<br />
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Waiting for an absent lover in our current society could be more readily portrayed in the form of long distance relationships where the partners are pulled apart from one another because of disparate career choices. Such partners have to deter other romantic possibilities as they wait to be reunited with their long-distance loves.<br />
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Waiting through absences is seen as romantic. What about waiting for a partner while remaining in his or her presence?<br />
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Sometimes waiting with a partner who is having emotional turmoil can be just as hard as waiting for an absent partner. Negative emotions are hard to carry in a relationship, and when life circumstances bring one partner down, the other suffers as well.<br />
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When life is hard partners don't always wait. In the documentary <a href="http://www.thehappymovie.com/" target="_blank">Happy</a> one of the women interviewed reflects on a life-changing accident. The woman was run over by a truck, leaving her far less beautiful than she had been and bed ridden for many months. During this time of trial her husband didn't wait, instead choosing to leave her.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful...”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">―</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">José N. Harris</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">,</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><i>MI VIDA</i></span></span><br />
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In the documentary, she regains strength, she meets a new man, and has a happier life than she had before her accident. Cheerful, kind, creative, and resilient, she was a woman worth waiting for, and her first husband missed out on learning the capacity of her spirit.<br />
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Would the first husband have waited the same amount of time as the recovery period (8 months if I remember correctly), had the months been spent apart for a career concern? Perhaps waiting for an absent partner is in some ways easier than waiting for a partner to regain strength after facing emotional or physical damage.<br />
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As I put my life plans on hold to wait for Owen to finish school, I like to think of songs like <i>I Will Wait</i>. It helps me to remember the value of this waiting period as we continue to build our relationship in preparation to pursue our life together.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;">"Blessings may appear under the shape of pains, losses, and disappointments; but let him have patience, and he will see them in their proper figures."</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;">―</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;">Joseph Addison <i>The Guardian</i> </span></span></div>
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Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-59625893410683890262013-06-09T17:33:00.000-05:002013-06-09T17:33:55.934-05:00Plan D<b>Plan A</b>: Graduate from St. Olaf and enroll in grad school in Ft. Collins, CO in our respective fields.<br />
<b>Foiled</b>: Owen was accepted to Iowa, but not Ft. Collins.<br />
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<b>Plan B</b>: Owen enters the PhD program in Iowa City, the following year I enter either the writing MFA program or the English PhD, and we buy a house.<br />
<b>Foiled</b>: It turns out that you cannot apply to both the MFA program and the English PhD at the same time, which I only found after having applied to the impossible-to-get-into MFA program, which I didn't get into. Buying a house was more difficult than anticipated... Though we did eventually end up in a townhouse that we love.<br />
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<b>Plan C</b>: I work for a year and reapply to the MFA program. Owen's program progresses as usual.<br />
<b>Foiled</b>: I again was not accepted to the MFA program. Owen's program proved entirely more difficult than expected.<br />
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<b>Plan D</b>: Go with the flow.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of my favorite things about Iowa City:<br />The trees wear sweaters!</td></tr>
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At times it feels like we have little to no control over how we spend our lives as financial, academic, emotional, and physical restraints keep us from achieving our plans. Yet, looking back, I am glad that so many of our plans didn't work. Had we both been accepted to Ft. Collins, we would be taking out student loans like crazy trying to pay for both school and rent, but the University of Iowa gives enough financial aid that we are actually paying back some debt. Besides finances, we've also discovered an interesting city full of creativity that we never knew existed. Had we not moved to Iowa, I would probably have never known about tree sweaters.<br />
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Also, living in Colorado would mean being much further away from our college friends, who have supported us and helped us through so much of the past two years. <br />
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Had we bought a traditional house, we would be in way over our heads by now, but our townhouse has fulfilled everything we wanted in a home without the stress of having to worry about the roof or the yard.<br />
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Though not getting into the MFA program was frustrating, I wouldn't trade my time working with the Arc for anything! Spending a year helping people with disabilities has made me a more patient, nurturing, and open person.<br />
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As much as we've felt like we didn't have control, we've certainly had to make plenty of choices. Confronted with difficulty, Owen had to choose to work his butt off fulfilling the requirements of his program. Faced with my own stumbling blocks, I've had to choose to keep trying new ways to find fulfillment. By choosing to go with the flow, we've finally found a plan that can't get foiled.<br />
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We haven't entirely stopped making plans, but we don't necessarily think of our plans with the same urgency and anxiety to fulfill them. Now plans are merely a map of how to spend each day until something changes. My current plans of finding a job that allows me to use my bachelor's degree and pay off students loans has me applying to multiple jobs a week, as I simultaneously prepare to take on Arc shifts to pay the bills meanwhile.<br />
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I won't say that following Plan D is necessarily easy. The temptation to get <i>this</i> job or afford <i>that</i> item sometimes overwhelms the non-attachment attitude of going with the flow, but ultimately what else can we do? We have to choose to continue to keep moving forward no matter what does or doesn't work out for us. Until I know what I'm doing next, I'm going to keep writing, keep cooking, and maybe start learning some HTML... I don't have any concrete plans for the knowledge gained, but it can't hurt right?Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-39339882165933513572013-05-20T22:03:00.000-05:002013-05-20T22:03:30.068-05:00Home in ColowasotaAfter a brief hiccup with my work schedule, I am set to leave for Colorado in three days! I ready myself to venture to my homeland with plans to spend time with family and friends, scatter Rascal's ashes, explore settings for my writing, and breath Colorado air.<br />
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Owen and I hoped to leave for Colorado together, but as often happens with the PhD program, he has to stay in Iowa City to take a class. Relief and Anxiety compete for my attention. After battling a complex and volatile schedule, I am lucky that the details are finally fixed down, but leaving without Owen will be strange. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCJcmjviYwqw7xjfCdTtbwx1G__ThgGSKWvGI8aTKtgPAsly_ytu3uoMI7lXi8UkZiM0IVlQSpmqsTo4YDsLVzyBVGTo3YkwTyVb7Yss-UzwuYnACklgeUGoOMZZXxWHJKhEE9LgJtj2Y/s1600/Colorado.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCJcmjviYwqw7xjfCdTtbwx1G__ThgGSKWvGI8aTKtgPAsly_ytu3uoMI7lXi8UkZiM0IVlQSpmqsTo4YDsLVzyBVGTo3YkwTyVb7Yss-UzwuYnACklgeUGoOMZZXxWHJKhEE9LgJtj2Y/s320/Colorado.jpg" width="212" /></a>I have known Owen for only six years, and my parents have known him for only three, but he has become a significant member of our family. He fills gaps that we didn't know existed until he made us a little more whole. Owen has built a website for my dad's business, golfed with my grandfather, discussed academic pursuits with my sister, and taught us all about psychology. We joke that Owen is the favorite at my family's house. </div>
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I've spent more time in Colorado without Owen than with him, and yet next week he will be a missing piece of our home. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjikgs7kX1_v9XbfKsQzT6wBFFq24_ejBfFDwUZfg3qumvXZ37tx1PbWiKgbp7QtPFNGIZ9xXNnPGpgVxeeW2t22QHqhQHe2hwazAcZlcy9g1yoZaJQ6PRBfZDG4Hor9JVT8_1b9TpMFrU/s1600/Dishes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjikgs7kX1_v9XbfKsQzT6wBFFq24_ejBfFDwUZfg3qumvXZ37tx1PbWiKgbp7QtPFNGIZ9xXNnPGpgVxeeW2t22QHqhQHe2hwazAcZlcy9g1yoZaJQ6PRBfZDG4Hor9JVT8_1b9TpMFrU/s320/Dishes.jpg" width="244" /></a>Six years ago I would have never imagined that Owen and I would have a house together in Iowa. The past few days I have been working through my pre-trip to-do list: make sure that all of Owen's laundry is clean, that he has all the food he needs, that the house is clean for him, etc. As I work to care for Owen and our house, it is clear that I am home in Iowa City also.<br />
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My life is now split between Colorado, Minnesota, and Iowa. Though I often feel homesick for Colorado (usually accompanied by cravings for Mexican food, chai, sunlight, and/or <i>Dan In Real Life</i>), I feel glad to have so many places that I can call home. Surprisingly, my homes start to blend together as the colors of Colorado inspire our home decor in Iowa and as family and friends from our other homes visit us in our current one.</div>
Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-91788067000789360952013-05-11T13:41:00.002-05:002013-05-11T13:52:00.248-05:00Food EthicDear Readers,<br />
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I have decided to start a new blog project about ethical consumerism focused mainly on food.<br />
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My writing goal is to alter weekly posting between <i>My Modern Marriage</i> and <a href="http://www.foodethic.blogspot.com/"><i>Food Ethic</i></a>, as Owen and I continue to explore what it means to create positive relationships between ourselves and the world around us.<br />
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I would like to invite you to join me in this new endeavor.<br />
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Thank you for all of the support you have given me,<br />
SummerSummer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-42298182489245946022013-05-08T23:07:00.003-05:002013-05-08T23:07:25.509-05:00Daily And NotAs we approach the two year mark of our time in Iowa, we find ourselves doing less unpacking and more sweeping our dirt out from under the furniture. We're better adjusted and more confident in our abilities to do grown up things like paying bills. We aren't newlyweds anymore. Suddenly, life is daily. Though dailyness has a reputation for being a grind, it also brings routine and relaxation. I find that I don't examine my relationship with Owen as much anymore; I just live it.<br />
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The most recent and un-daily event I have to share is the passing of my family's dog, Rascal. The last I saw him was at Christmas, and even though he was grey in the face, he still had his puppy-like energy that had once been part of my daily life. It is difficult to imagine that when I go home to Colorado in three weeks he won't be there to greet me.</div>
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When we first met Rascal as a puppy thirteen years ago the people selling him claimed that he was a pure-bred St. Bernard, but that they just didn't make the effort to get papers together. In reality he was a mostly-St. Bernard.</div>
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Rascal was not a well trained dog. If you called his name he was just as likely to run away from you as to you. On hot days he would swim in the pond by our house and then run up and thwack you with his giant tail sopping with pond scum.</div>
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His general disregard for systems and rules carried a certain freedom. His not-so-pedigree genetics were unexpected and beautiful, and he was always, always friendly. Though I am sad to see him leave, I was touched by the gentleness and care that my parents provided him in his final days while I was absent.</div>
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Rascal's passing was one of three that we have learned about in the past week or so. Today we visited the grave of a client I worked with through the Arc and were shaken to find that her mother, who I had consoled just months before, was buried next to her. </div>
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With so much death surrounding us this week, we find ourselves dealing with heightened death anxiety. Since we started dating, Owen and I both notice that we are generally more afraid for our own and each other's safety than we were before. We've transitioned from young-hearted fearlessness in the face of mortality to suddenly having a lifetime of plans to lose. Yet, even with the fear of losing the life we look forward to, we don't seem to live as fully as we would like to right now. Though the dailyness brings relaxation and routine, it also presents the potential for stagnation and stunted growth. </div>
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Too often I waste entire days in a state of waiting. Constantly, I am waiting to hear back from some application that I've submitted in search of a more fulfilling daily. Yet even as I feel that some days are wasted by dailyness, those activities that are incessantly repeated are making me stronger and more capable.</div>
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With every downward dog and chicken dinner I am preparing myself for the future. With every day that Owen and I pass hours talking and thinking together, we build our relationship. So when the time comes that something is not daily, we can be ready. Having Owen in my daily means that he knows all of my emotions as they pass, and so he was ready to hold me when the un-daily news of Rascal's passing came our way. </div>
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Daily life is boring, and it's comforting. Sometimes it feels like chains holding me down, but my muscles grow stronger from carrying them. What we do in our daily becomes what we do in our not-daily. What skills are you strengthening every day? What emotional responses are you practicing?</div>
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Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-11703585560336616992013-04-13T20:29:00.003-05:002013-04-13T20:32:35.798-05:00Simple Happiness<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijoCJ_CV0NeIGkKgSucjXHQihs_f-01v_vjdFJlPL8ZOxqCEFfxA2nKDLhiz1u9c2o1sMBoQkQo-hnsaGGPS7mdUl7RelWzAxm7o1FUtSSt9yLpV4X_nprwdpMlMvV3byalvqA1YK6ypI/s1600/PatWerner2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijoCJ_CV0NeIGkKgSucjXHQihs_f-01v_vjdFJlPL8ZOxqCEFfxA2nKDLhiz1u9c2o1sMBoQkQo-hnsaGGPS7mdUl7RelWzAxm7o1FUtSSt9yLpV4X_nprwdpMlMvV3byalvqA1YK6ypI/s320/PatWerner2.jpg" width="228" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My grandparents' only wedding picture</td></tr>
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This week, my grandparents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary! In 1963 Werner and Patricia said their vows in a small Texas church and headed to a nearby restaurant with a few close friends for a fried chicken dinner. They spent the night at a Ramada Inn in town, which my grandmother described in her wedding book as being very nice.<br />
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Twenty-three years later my parents had an evening wedding that included a ceremony and small reception. Paul and Traci had a wedding cake table decorated with satin flowers that my mother had made.<br />
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They were gifted a honeymoon in Disney World, near where my great grandmother lived. (Their honeymoon included visiting with Grandma for some of the time...)<br />
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Owen and I were married in the St. Olaf College chapel in Minnesota. We held our reception ten minutes away in a tent with a formal dinner with thirty or so bottles of wine, several beautiful cakes, and a dance floor with a six-hour long playlist and a few wedding games.<br />
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Our wedding day was so stressful that I ended up crying for at least a half hour upon arriving to the reception site. We escaped to Napa Valley for our honeymoon, which was largely spent recovering from the stress of the wedding.<br />
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What has happened in wedding culture that makes us feel like we need to make our wedding days into such a show?<br />
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Fifty years ago Werner and Patricia had a wedding without a photographer, reception dinner, dance floor, or long honeymoon, but the smiles in their one and only picture are so beautiful.<br />
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In many ways their marriage continues to display the simple happiness of their wedding. For their anniversary this year they decided to take a trip to their favorite vacation spot in Estes Park, Colorado where they rent a cabin and don't leave it the whole week. When I called them to wish them a happy anniversary they were looking out the windows enjoying the view and watching for wildlife. My grandmother told me, as she often does, their story.<br />
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Because they were always seated alphabetically in school, Werner sat in front of Patricia every year starting in the seventh grade. They didn't talk to one another until the eleventh grade when they were roped into a double date. As the story goes, Werner had a car and his friend had a date with a girl who was friends with Patricia. His friend needed Werner to drive, and Patricia was brought as Werner's date. Though the friends didn't really hit it off, my grandparents quickly fell in love and were married a few years later.<br />
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As I was Growing up my grandparents emphasized getting away from televisions, computers, and phones. They taught me how to find happiness in many simple pleasures that I now share with Owen including card games, puzzles, quilting, and hiking.<br />
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Happy Anniversary Werner and Patricia!<br />
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Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-32761257525276915232013-04-05T14:57:00.000-05:002013-04-05T14:57:37.334-05:00RenewalAs I posted just last month, I love Lent, but since the Easter Bunny stopped leaving me treats I haven't cared as much for Easter. Supposedly, Lent is the time of sorrow and Easter the time of joy, but something about the running all over town visiting all of the relatives we can pack into one day and overeating feels more stressful than joyful.<br />
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This year, Owen and I decided to make the trek to Minnesota for Grandma Inga's 80th birthday this coming weekend rather than visiting for Easter last weekend. So we celebrated on our own for the first time! I baked my mom's Apple Spice Cake, which turned out about 85% as delicious as when she makes it (still rather tasty). And of course we dyed Easter eggs.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRvknQ0svcE3sr5xvErN9Ny9cjoxZSorbDipvYJWXXE7bVVGqQYE-kVKjK0kvPGyOKOUvSaN4Vgi7Q43wp4NkpgBHzhoftYmVwr_lNc6Q8-QauKv1U53onBJkOhBBtQRWchBRd7xj2Y6Q/s1600/WP_20130331_047.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRvknQ0svcE3sr5xvErN9Ny9cjoxZSorbDipvYJWXXE7bVVGqQYE-kVKjK0kvPGyOKOUvSaN4Vgi7Q43wp4NkpgBHzhoftYmVwr_lNc6Q8-QauKv1U53onBJkOhBBtQRWchBRd7xj2Y6Q/s320/WP_20130331_047.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
Our Easter celebration was simple this year, and we had time to reflect.<br />
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Our time in Iowa has been marked by feelings of inadequacy. I have questioned my self-worth for choosing Owen over graduate school and for working with people with disabilities rather than pursuing more glamorous career opportunities. This has caused Owen stress and sadness as he has felt responsible for my unhappiness. His sadness with my path led me to worry that he too found my achievements inadequate.<br />
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Along with my personal battle, we dealt with Owen's questions of self-worth as his counseling PhD proved more challenging than expected, and he experienced significant failure for the first time. Added to the academic stress, we faced the ill social judgements that often follow struggle. As he with me, seeing Owen face so much adversity is difficult for me.<br />
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In the midst of so much unhappiness, we forgot what it is like to feel good on a regular basis. Lent provided us the cleansing we needed. We gave up over fifty unnecessary items that had filled our junk room, worry surrounding future career goals, and self-debasing thoughts stemming from the social and academic rejection we've experienced in Iowa. In many ways we stopped trying to control the uncontrollable, and we came to a greater acceptance of who we are.<br />
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We are married. We are Lutheran (or as Owen puts it, Christian). We are not athletic. We don't always put our best feet forward. We support gay rights and don't judge people who don't. We are pro-life and don't judge people who aren't. We want to be green, but often fail. We never know what's trending on Youtube. We are imperfect, and we can't justify everything we say, do, feel, or believe.<br />
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When Easter came we were ready for rebirth. As we sat in the balcony pews of the much-more-crowded-than-usual chapel, we connected to the whole. Owen reports feeling a greater sense of independence and a greater alignment with our life in Iowa. As for me, I sensed for the first time that my purpose and my desires have aligned in the very deep down truth that I want to love God, other people, and the earth more than I want to achieve societal acceptance. With that I have come to the understanding that what I do for a living will matter far less than what I live for.Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-79297617838029826842013-03-27T10:18:00.001-05:002013-05-11T12:34:57.835-05:00A Purr of EnergyFeeling too busy for a dog, and really preferring cats anyways, we found our four month old kitten at a local animal shelter. With a little difficulty agreeing on a name she ended up with two names: MaryMilo.<br />
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She has proven herself naughty by constantly exploring places she's not supposed to be.<br />
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One day I had spent the entire afternoon repairing my baby blanket that she had shredded and stood up from my sewing machine to find that she had spilled paint all over our shoes and floor.</div>
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The lid to the paint can was warped and she had knocked it over. I panicked, picked up the paint can, and brought it, dripping, to the garbage. </div>
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We kept her away from the paint for three days before it dried enough for us to peel it off of the floor.</div>
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Yet, MaryMilo's naughtiness isn't entirely a bad thing. It provides something to talk about. I can remember several nights in college where I would be hanging out with a friend or two, and none of us would have the energy to create energy for the group. It reminds me of an episode of <i>Everybody Loves Raymond </i>where Raymond and Deborah go out for dinner and can't find anything to talk about. Deborah gets upset and says that they've become "one of those couples."</div>
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When we first brought MaryMilo home we were in the middle of a overwhelming semester in Owen's PhD program. We had spend the preceding weeks drained of energy and it was getting to a point where neither of us could gather enough energy to cheer the other. MaryMilo brought a spark of life into the house and provided us with the comedic relief we needed. One evening when we were both frustrated and low energy, MaryMilo bolted down the stairs jumped on the round chair and knocked it over causing both of us to laugh. Had she not been there, we may not have laughed together that night. </div>
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Whether we're chasing her away from the countertops, throwing paintbrushes for her to fetch, or cuddling with her on the couch, MaryMilo's extreme kitten-energy is contagious and helps give us the energy we need to encourage each other through stressful times. </div>
Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-77440603325537087772013-03-11T09:45:00.000-05:002013-03-11T09:49:16.066-05:00Open Your Eyes. Open Your Heart.I quit my job! (Sort of) I still work for the Arc, but starting Thursday I will be considered indefinitely unavailable to take on any shifts. So, as if I were quitting entirely, I gave my two weeks notice so that they could start finding replacements. For those readers who are unfamiliar with the Arc, we provide respite services for families who have children with disabilities and household services to older adults with disabilities. I love the people, but the unwieldy schedule and constant driving between homes are an absolute headache.<br />
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The last two weeks have yielded a range of emotions. First I was sad to leave. Besides Owen, the only people I see on a regular basis are those I work with, and we have been through a lot together. I work in their homes helping them to prepare food, shower, care for wounds, and any other random task they ask me to do. I have helped them apply icy-hot to sore muscles, clipped their toenails, laughed with them, and found quiet routines in their presence. As I leave to take my own respite, I fear that the isolation may overwhelm me.<br />
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Once I had submitted my change of schedule I mentally checked out. Unengaged in what I was doing, I went through the motions daydreaming of my break to come. For the first time in a year of working with the Arc, I forgot to go to an assigned shift. My old-man-client-buddy didn't get his dinner that night, and I felt awful. I emailed him a note that I was sorry, and he responded, "It's okay. I had pop-tarts for dinner! HAHAHA!"<br />
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In the final days I find myself soaking in every minute. Though I ceased to notice it for the past several months, my job constantly offers new experiences. Within a three day period I faced new challenges, found more efficient solutions to previous problems, met new people, and talked about new subjects with the regulars. Suddenly my job had a new rush of meaning.<br />
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Why does it take an end to remind us of the novelty of the beginning?<br />
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Primed for new experiences, Owen and I decided to try out a new local bar this weekend. We decided to talk to each other as if we were on a first date. I found that I listened better than usual. Owen talked about his childhood and family, and though I usually think that I've heard it all before, I actually noticed new details in what he said. I felt energized to share interesting stories about my family that I hadn't shared in a long time, like how my aunt used to live in a green school-bus on the Mesa in New Mexico. We didn't get bogged down in our current life issues, like often happens when we talk to each other.<br />
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Simply paying closer attention to the people around you, especially the day-to-day people, can make an average day feel like a day of new experiences and bring fresh interest in the people you see on a regular basis. In the first few weeks of working with the Arc, one of my clients shared a poem he had written with me. His words are simple, but they reflect with great depth his experience as a person with disabilities who's opinions and feelings are too often overlooked, even by those who are closest to him.<br />
He says, "Open your eyes. Open your heart."<br />
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Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-318832098733349372013-02-24T20:41:00.001-06:002013-02-24T20:49:50.982-06:00What If My Purpose In Life Is Lackluster?<div>
Over a year ago, I described how my perceptions of love have changed in the post <a href="http://www.mymodernmarriage.com/2012/02/its-not-about-personality.html">It's Not About Personality</a>. Before, I thought love was admiration of the other person's character and enjoying the other person's personality. Yet, my love of Owen does not stem from jaw-dropping admiration so much as from a deep trust and appreciation of our partnership. In other words my love for Owen isn't just about Owen; it's about Owen AND it's about me. Our love is multi-faceted. Not only do I like Owen and think that he's pretty dang smart, I also like how I feel when I'm with him, how well we work together on projects, and how each of us has found inspiration in each other strong enough to change the course of our lives.</div>
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Though I still struggle with purpose. Yesterday I received the news that I will not be a poetry MFA student in the fall. In the folds of my mind it's a small jump from rejection letter to fear that I will not enjoy my purpose in life. As many others wonder if they even have a purpose in life, my struggle is slightly different, but really pretty much the same. I fear that God does have a defined purpose for me, but that I will find it lackluster. What if my purpose does not include writing? What if it doesn't involve my intellect at all? What if it isn't community oriented? What if it doesn't involve children?</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Life is short but it is wide-- <br />
it is so magical-- filled with mystery and wonder. <br />
Butterflies are special to me. <br />
Their life is the examined life-- <br />
it has passion, purpose, and a destiny."<br />
Joan D'Arcy qtd. in Joyce Tenneson's <i>Wise Women</i> </td></tr>
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In high school and early college I had similar fears about my future husband. What if I found him boring? What if he didn't want to travel? What if he wasn't funny? Now I know the reality of Owen. Owen is <i>not </i>boring and <i>does </i>want to travel, and even though he wasn't exactly funny when we got together I <i>do</i> love him, and even like him. </div>
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Perhaps my approach to purpose has been similar to my previous approach to love? Maybe I'm thinking of it too much in terms of a life I would admire: part time writing professor, writer, mom, gardener, world traveler. I would be thrilled if my purpose in life involved achieving high credentials in the profession of writing, learning extensively of the world around me, raising children and teaching others how to express themselves better through writing. And maybe that is my purpose! Or maybe it's not. Or maybe parts of it are, but other parts of it are just societally driven desires for achievement in my life. </div>
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Maybe no matter what my purpose is once I live it and experience it, I'll find something much deeper than admiration or achievement. As the keynote speaker at the 2011 St. Olaf graduation suggested, perhaps I'll find significance.</div>
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Oh, and about that Owen not being funny thing-- he's learned. Tonight as he grilled us some flank steak, he danced around the kitchen doing disco moves to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHcQ5wRZ9iU">Love Machine</a>. Oh yes. His continued desire to make me just a little bit happier in whatever ways he can has won my jaw-dropping admiration. </div>
Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-2152555709368086322013-02-19T21:11:00.001-06:002013-02-19T21:38:04.596-06:00For The Sake Of Lent, All Are WelcomeTypically I post my blogs on my Facebook... where half of my friends are southern baptists and the other half are either lutherans or atheists. So basically if Owen and I are honest about what we think, half will think that we are heathens and the other half will assume that we're dogmatic. Being moderate is always kind of like that.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Owen and I giving Saint Paul a high five</td></tr>
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Thus, for the past year, I have much avoided speaking about our faith on this blog. But man, I LOVE lent. Lent would be as good as Christmas if I got to see my family. It's so pure in its avoidance of any secularism whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I love Santa Clause and Christmas lights, but Lent is different. It's calm, not celebratory. In its quietness it is often forgotten.<br />
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Lent is the most reflective and cleansing time of the church calendar, reminiscent of Jesus's forty days in the wild and Israel's forty years in the desert. It is a time to shed all that is not of God from our lives. Thus in the spirit of Lent, I seek to free myself from the fear that has kept me from giving you the whole story.<br />
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Here is a real example of what living between two extremes looks like. After President Obama was elected for the second time, my Facebook wall filled with a crazy range of responses. Many people posted things like,<br />
"It makes me so sad that the people of The United States don't care about life."<br />
and many other posted things like,<br />
"Good to see that America actually cares about women and people who are poor now!"<br />
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To complicate matters, there are people whom we love and respect on both sides of the coin. That alone is enough to isolate us from those who can't even imagine what it is to respect the other side. Yet, of the many evangelicals, lutherans, muslims, atheists, conservatives and liberals I have shared life with, I find that all experience love for all living beings, compassion, and a deep down fear that they might actually have it all wrong. In that, I would suggest that we all need to have compassion for one another and stop pointing fingers at fellow human beings.<br />
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With fear of judgement from both evangelicals and atheists, yet with devotion to our faith, this is us. Our shared desire to be nearer to God is the very root of our marriage. The purity of love is important to us. We also support our brothers, sisters, and gender-confused siblings in the LGBTQIA community, and hope that our musings on marriage will be helpful to them as well, for Jesus says, "It is not what goes into your body that defiles you; you are defiled by what comes from your heart" (Mark 7:15).<br />
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Owen and I have a deep care and respect for the Bible. We have studied it extensively with a genuine desire to know what it has to tell us sans the cultural atmosphere surrounding it. We continue to pray that we will better understand and love God, as God knows Himself(Herself) to be. We also have a healthy respect for the Qua-ran and other sources of love and wisdom. We are of the small and usually unidentified group known as the Religious Left.<br />
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<br />Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-68305876501044558552013-02-12T19:53:00.001-06:002013-02-12T20:28:16.164-06:00Individual Alone Time (Together)<div>
The greatest struggle I've had since graduating, getting married, and moving to Iowa City has been the hit to my confidence. Since early childhood, I can remember a certain self assuredness that has guided me through school and friendships with ease. For the first time, I fear that I will never accomplish anything in my life, compounded by the greater fear that I will <i>feel</i> inadequate. I don't want to live my life always feeling that I'm not doing enough or accomplishing enough. </div>
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So my struggle has been finding ways to advance myself while following Owen to Iowa City. I've taken a few classes, blogged, learned yoga, and continued to grow closer to Owen. All wonderful, great things that have improved my life. Yet, on the day to day, week to week, living, thinking, feeling, doing level, all I have time for is working, making dinner, doing domestic work, taking care of Owen, and if we're lucky, spending a couple of enjoyable hours talking or relaxing together. </div>
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This break down of life would be wonderful, if the work I am doing were the work I dream to do. Someday I hope to become a professor of writing at a private liberal arts college, like St. Olaf, involved in developing programs for ELL students. Yet I don't feel any closer to achieving that dream than I was a year and a half ago. I need to spend more time thinking and creating. I need focused alone time to work toward my goals.</div>
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Alone time has been a complicated issue for Owen and I. Neither of us really feel the need to separate from each other unnecessarily. We'd be happy to spend 24/7 in one another's company. Also, Owen, having a more anxious attachment style, has in the past felt nervous at the suggestion that I need time without his presence. Lately, as both of us have been learning to be more mindful of our needs, Owen has become more calm on this issue. So, I brought it up to him this week.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Owen in his natural state pre-marriage:<br />
alone and learning abroad</td></tr>
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Always understanding and supportive, Owen is ready to help me in my need for that focused time. His first suggestion: having individual alone time together by spending Sunday mornings walking to the coffee house nearby in silence, and then working in silence at the same table. Appreciative of his willingness to try new things, I accepted this proposal with the slight alteration that we would sit at different tables once we arrived. Owen didn't necessarily like this change, but he agreed. </div>
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Sunday morning arrived rainy and cold, but we were dedicated. We arrived at Java House soaked through in forced silence, ordered some breakfast items and got to work. I found myself cold and agitated. Once alone I didn't know quite what to do with myself. This was the alone time that Owen had gifted me despite his own anxieties, and I couldn't do anything productive with it. </div>
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I used to be an expert at alone time! I found it everywhere and enjoyed every minute of it, productive or not, and having it in my life made me a more confident person. Reflecting on how I used to be I surmise that alone time does not exist in the form of forced silence on a once a week excursion. It's a rhythm that underlies the daily tune; it's a way of life wherein you step back from everyone else's opinions and just think of what you yourself want to think about several times a day. When it's consistent it can then become productive and creative, and provide you with greater confidence in your opinions and feelings.</div>
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This is going to be a learning experience for both of us. I'm not just going to start taking myself to Java House and leaving Owen at home during those times that have routinely become moments for us to enjoy each other's company. Neither of us are ready for that yet. We are ready to admit that we each have a need for alone time that isn't being met, so we are going to start thinking of how we can bring it more into our lives.</div>
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We've determined that we want to have our alone time together, not that we're going to persist in forcing ourselves into silence, but that when we reunite we want to share what we have learned on our own with each other, so that we can continue to grow and change together. </div>
Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-58560478686251901622013-02-03T21:40:00.000-06:002013-02-03T21:53:48.504-06:00Different Strengths Create Partnership<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">Recently I took a values inventory that supposedly reveals my greatest character strengths. Considering this is the second posting in a row where I refer to a psychological test, I believe that being married to a counseling psychologist is starting to rub off on me... Anyways, the test is part of Martin E.P. Seligman's <i>Authentic Happiness</i>. Seligman suggests that in marital relationships, being able to use your character strengths in your relationship with your partner will lead to greater happiness.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">Summer</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">1. Mercy and Forgiveness</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">2. Capacity to Love and Be Loved</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">3. Honesty, Authenticity, and Genuineness</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">4. Creativity, Ingenuity, and Originality</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">5. Curiosity and Interest in the World</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">Owen</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">1. Judgement, Critical Thinking, and Open-Mindedness</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">2. Love of Learning</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">3. Curiosity and Interest in the World</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">4. Spirituality, Sense of Purpose, and Faith</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">5. Creativity, Ingenuity, and Originality</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;"></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">Before we were dating, Owen and I travelled to Greece and Turkey as a part of the same travel abroad program. Both of us deeply value learning more about the world around us, and we are able to share in plans to live and study around the world. Our shared curiosity also shows in the tendency to go where we aren't necessarily supposed to go...</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">Other of our character strengths aren't so naturally shared. I can be honest to a fault, sharing every little negative thought that pops into my head, which can be difficult on Owen who isn't used to such candor. Owen's open-mindedness can prove inefficient as he examines every aspect of any decision, driving me crazy. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">Knowing that honesty and open-mindedness are more than just personality traits, but actually deeply held values helps us to be more understanding of these differences that arise between us. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">I know another ex-couple that never quite came to that understanding. One partner had Kindness and Generosity as a character strength; he desires to be of service to those he loves. He especially enjoys being helpful and doing favors. The other partner had a fierce independent streak and sometimes mistook such helpfulness as an indication that he found her incapable. This clashing of values eventually contributed to their break up.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">For a relationship to succeed you must make the effort to understand and respect your partner's values and character strengths. The differences between you will provide a greater variety of strengths to contribute to challenges that you face as partners. Make the effort to learn more about what strengths your partner has to contribute and create a relationship where those strengths can flourish. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">If you are interested in taking the VIA Survey of Character Strengths visit www.authentichappiness.com</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #474747; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 23px;">.</span>Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-7023831884605785392013-01-27T16:42:00.003-06:002013-01-27T17:01:20.594-06:00Returning to UsWhen the stress of Owen's school semester ended in mid December he returned to himself, which allowed me to return to myself and us to each other. I half expected us to have some sort of resentment or frustration with each other left over from the arguments that surfaced at the peak of the stress. So often those words that come out when everything feels like its falling apart last long after the world repairs itself.<br />
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Yet, instead of resentment we found joy. We found comfort and acceptance of all that passed and excitement to move into the future anew. I felt lucky. Stress and anxiety had so taken my mind in the months preceding Christmas that I'm positive that I responded to Owen with undue frustration on more than one occasion. I know that in the midst of it all he put too much weight on my shoulders. In other words, we were more crappy to each other than we had ever been before.<br />
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So I've been asking myself how we escaped unscathed. How did we come out of it still liking each other? My hypothesis is that we hold a few overarching philosophies that served us well, and may be of use to other couples facing the potential hazards of stress.<br />
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1. We know our own flaws; we know each others' flaws. We can accept these flaws in ourselves and each other and not take each others' flaws personally.<br />
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One thing that Owen learned about me from watching me interact with my family is that when I feel very stressed it negatively affects how I treat everyone around me. I just want everyone to leave me alone, and if people try to help me they're more likely to get their heads bitten off than a thank you.<br />
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Owen, when under stress, yearns for care and compassion from those around him. Owen also has a passive thing going on, so instead of asking for what he wants he will sometimes try to elicit it by acting mopey. You can see how it would be difficult for us during those times when we both feel stressed: the last thing I want to do when I'm stressed is be patient and caring for someone who's acting mopey as a ploy to get my attention.<br />
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In those moments when I am cranky and Owen is mopey we're not different from any other couple who is fighting. I don't think that we're more careful or sensitive to each other. But we can distinguish each others' flaws from our own. Owen knows not to take my crankiness personally. I know that I'm not at fault when Owen feels mopey. <br />
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2. We're careful not to place or take blame.<br />
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How can anyone accurately place blame when a million factors go into every scenario? No one can! Blame has no use, and only encourages grudges, resentment, and shame. It is our philosophy that life is difficult, that people have trials and make mistakes, and that it is okay.<br />
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This may sound like the opposite of typical relationship advice, but I feel that people should be careful of giving undue apologies. Owen often tells me that he is sorry for doing something that he couldn't help doing, couldn't know would hurt me, or occurred by accident. By apologizing he takes blame onto himself, which makes him feel ashamed, and when he is ashamed he withdraws from me. I propose that we should own our mistakes, and accept each others' without requiring apology.<br />
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Though I do want to be careful here. Note that I say people should be careful of giving "undue apologies," because there are certainly times when apologies are due. These are the times when we act selfishly leading to the other's harm. Yet even in these situations, placing any sort of enduring blame will destroy a relationship.<br />
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3. We're secure in the mutual understanding that we love each other and want to be together.<br />
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If you are spending time worried that your partner's responses to stress, be it crankiness, mopiness, or otherwise, indicate that he or she doesn't love you anymore, then one or both of you may have an insecure attachment style. Owen and I found this quiz helpful for understanding the sources of anxiety within our relationship: <a href="http://personality-testing.info/tests/ECR.php">Attachment Styles</a>.<br />
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People with an anxious attachment style may have past experiences that lead them to irrationally fear that their partners will leave them, though they actually have healthy romantic relationships. Awareness of your own attachment style may help you understand if you are someone who has this tendency.<br />
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When life gets stressful you need to have faith in each other's love. If you allow a mistaken fear that your partner doesn't love you seep into your life, you may ruin a good thing. On the other hand, be sure to make that effort to show your partners how much you love them, especially when life is stressful!<br />
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Sometimes Owen and I just pause and say, "You're awful and I love you." It diffuses frustration and reminds us of the importance of accepting each other. Stress is temporary, and if you can maintain the conviction to love each other even in the thick of it, you can retain the hope that the future will be easier.<br />
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<br />Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-53029543634762311912012-11-11T10:16:00.003-06:002012-11-11T10:16:30.207-06:00Enough is EnoughBefore I can write the house needs to reach a certain level of cleanliness or I can't focus. Because we don't make enough money to eat out very often, I need to cook at home, and then I need to clean that mess. Or, I can work more, make more money, and eat out a little more, yet have less time to clean the house or write while also tiring myself out. And it would be nice to socialize every so often. My conclusion inevitable ends up being: I don't work enough, I don't clean enough, I don't write enough, and my social life is nearly non-existent.<br />
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Owen is in a similar boat: he doesn't study enough, he doesn't sleep enough, he doesn't work on house projects as much as he'd like to, and he doesn't socialize enough. So as if I weren't stressed out about my own inability to get enough done, I also stress out about whether or not Owen will make his paper deadlines or study enough for his tests. In response we typically don't allow ourselves to do the things we enjoy because we don't have time. Yet we can't help crashing a few times a week. We veg on the couch either watching television or pouting about how hard life is.<br />
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Why do we feel like we can never do enough? We have a beautiful home, we live in a friendly city, and we love each other, yet all of that is overshadowed by the stress. We know how we<i> should </i>react to this situation and how we <i>should</i> feel. We should take an hour a day to do something we enjoy. We should focus on the journey and appreciate what we have. We should be patient and gentle with ourselves and stop asking the impossible. Oh we know. But for some reason knowing how we <i>should</i> feel hasn't been enough to feel it.<br />
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I don't think I have any advice on this matter. This is more of a, "Yeah, we can relate, life is difficult sometimes," post because I don't think that we are alone in this. Sometimes I do get caught up in the idea that we're the only ones who feel this way, or that I'm the only one from my graduating class at St. Olaf who hasn't achieved anything career wise. But it's not true. Even those friends who did pursue high paying jobs after graduation don't seem happy with what they are doing. They still struggle with purpose.<br />
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All we can really do is try to make ourselves happier one little step at a time. Today we've made the decision to go to an art museum because we enjoy it and it helps us feel more creative. This decision took months because it is so outside of our daily patterns and habits. It even produces a small knot of anxiety to do something out of the norm leaving questions like, "Do we really have enough time to do this?" or even, "Do we really deserve this time to ourselves when we have so many other things to do?" Today we've decided to have faith that investing time into our happiness is worthwhile.Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-9265324879119372172012-10-21T20:30:00.002-05:002012-10-22T11:01:49.284-05:00What We NeedWhen a friend described third grade Owen having existential crises on the bus I had to laugh at the truth of it. Owen reports experiencing existential crises on a weekly basis. These quandaries have become such a strong part of Owen's life that the idea of discontinuing such thoughts causes him to have an identity crisis on top of it.<br />
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Though most of us don't struggle with these issues quite as frequently as my husband, most of us will face them at some point. What is the purpose of life? Why am I here? How can I find fulfillment? Often existential quandaries deal with distinguishing that which is permanent and fulfilling from that which is temporary. Thus I suspect that most of us experience existential crises in the form of day to day strife.<br />
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So many people, myself included, feel the frequent urge to engage in retail therapy. My partner, Owen, does not like for me to spend money unnecessarily. You can see how a potential for conflict exists. I believe that when we feel we need something we do need something, we just may not know what we need. Perhaps an example would make this idea more clear.<br />
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<ul>
<li>On a subconscious level I feel the need for greater agency in my life.</li>
<li>Given that I live in a consumeristic society where media advertisements play on my emotions on a daily basis I misidentify the need as a need to buy myself something.</li>
<li>I go to the mall and I buy a new scarf, which makes me feel better not because I have the scarf, but because I exercised my agency to do so.</li>
<li>I go home and Owen gets upset at me for spending money unnecessarily, perhaps making me feel childish for what he perceives as not understanding the concept of budgeting. </li>
<li>Rather than feeling independent I feel frustrated, defensive, and perhaps trapped within my relationship.</li>
</ul>
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Retail therapy is a particularly relevant example because it appears to fulfill so many different needs. The need for agency, the need for change, the need to think creatively, the need for basic goods, the need for social interaction, etc.<br />
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Thus financial decision making becomes a huge problem in many relationships. Too often the partners of those who spend too much money attribute the problem to lack of self control. When spending becomes a problem, we have to step back and identify what need the spender is attempting to fulfill and find ways to fulfill it without spending. If, like me, the spender wants to feel more independent find other things that make him or her feel independent and incorporate as many of these activities as possible into daily life. Play Monopoly, do crafts, learn a new trade, etc.<br />
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Another common example of misidentified needs occurs after breakups. Let's consider the fictional couple Jesse and Jordan. Jesse breaks up with Jordan after 6 months of dating, during which time they spent twelve hours a day with each other. Jordan feels the constant need to text, call, and facebook stalk Jesse. Jordan feels that she will only be happy when Jesse takes her back.<br />
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There are a few problems here. First of all, Jesse and Jordan do not love each other enough to have an open fulfilling relationship, and being together will not make either of them happy. Second, Jordan feels inadequate because Jesse broke up with her, and she worries that there is something wrong with her. Jordan thinks that Jesse taking her back would prove her adequacy thus making her happy. Jordan actually needs to find a sense of adequacy outside of Jesse. Maybe Jordan needs to pick up a new hobby, such as guitar. She can spend time learning the guitar, and the talent of having learned an instrument will make her feel adequate. Not to say that significant others and guitars are interchangeable, but that spending time improving herself in some way may help assuage Jordan's feelings of inadequacy.<br />
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Who of us hasn't mistaken the approval of others for our own inherent value? Sometimes I think all of life's struggles lead back to existential crises. We want life to be worthwhile, and we want to have purpose as individuals. Yet we take these needs and we make them smaller than they are; we attempt to make them manageable by believing that temporary things will fulfill them.Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-23415357393956608762012-10-14T16:07:00.000-05:002012-10-15T16:15:02.055-05:00Love is FrighteningOwen and I enjoy sharing the story of how we became a couple, partly because it seems so bizarre. When we first started dating we didn't like each other very much, my previous post <a href="http://www.mymodernmarriage.com/2012/03/two-years-of-letting-it-all-out.html">Two Years Of Letting It All Out</a> details some of that time. People always ask, "Then why were you dating?" Good question... After 2.5 years of reflection, we're just starting to understand it ourselves.<br />
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The guards were up before we even started dating. Each of us was drawn to the other, but both of us feared the implications of dating, Owen stating that he feared the "black hole" of lost friendship. When we finally did cross the friend line we cried. That evening we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable with each other and talked about the possibilities. I remember feeling an uncanny comfort being in Owen's presence that night, truly as if we belonged to each other.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The night of our first kiss we bumped into a friend with a camera.</td></tr>
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The next day, our guards were up again. Dating Owen was hard. I remember talking with one of my friends about how the beginning of relationships was supposed to be this overly-happy idealistic time, but that it wasn't for us. We were frustrated with the new life of being tied to one another and each of us blamed the other for our frustrations, which is why we say we didn't like each other very much. In hindsight we agree that our frustration didn't come from each other so much as from the growing pains of change; love is a frightening prospect!<br />
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<i>P.S. I Love You </i>romantically portrays the change brought by love when Holly first meets Gerry:<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;">Gerry:</span> you have my jacket.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Holly:</span> I'm keeping it unless we meet again, otherwise that will be the most perfect kiss ever shared by two strangers.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;">Gerry:</span> I bet we will meet again.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Holly:</span> You better win that bet, because if we do, that'll be the end of it.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;">Gerry:</span> The end of what?<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000;">Holly:</span> Life as we know it.<br />
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In this scene Holly hopes that she will meet Gerry again and that her life will change, but in real life I don't think many of us look forward to the drastic change that comes with love! In real life it's exhausting. It's frustrating and nebulous. Owen and I were both comfortable single, each enjoying the freedom of only having to think about ourselves. Neither of us wanted to introduce something like love into our vocabularies or our daily lives.<br />
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In becoming a couple we each had to learn to be less selfish, more open with our emotions, more flexible with our time, and more aware of our own flaws. Neither of us felt ready for that! I've had several friends say to me, "I'm not ready for marriage; I'm not ready to sacrifice." Are we ever really prepared? Owen and I didn't feel prepared, but as we fell in love the changes came naturally. The fear of the change was much more difficult to deal with than the change itself. And really, I do believe that change is good (<a href="http://www.mymodernmarriage.com/2012/04/ever-persistent-change.html">Ever Persistent Change</a>). When everything around us changes all the time, isn't the prospect of not changing actually more frightening than that of changing?Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-88433164870565027562012-10-01T15:35:00.001-05:002012-10-02T10:21:11.515-05:00Sick Day with Dan BurnsI write from my sick-nest today curled up on the couch with grandma-made quilts, soup, and tissues. My favorite sick day activity consists of watching <i>Dan in Real Life</i> on repeat, and I am currently on my third viewing. Dan has just met Marie in the book store, and I am caught up in the charm of this middle-aged romance all over again.<br />
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For some reason, I have found myself in Dan more-so than in any other fictional character. The weird part of this, if you haven't seen the movie, is that Dan is a middle aged widower played by Steven Carell. Yet despite the obvious differences between myself and Dan, I always find myself feeling slightly rejected by those who do not like this movie and simultaneously nervous to show it to any of my friends.<br />
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We do have some striking similarities, Dan and I. For one, he is a writer! Dan also prioritizes his family over everything else and has an awkward streak. I've heard other people question his actions in the movie-- "Why does he eat the burnt pancake? Why does he throw that rock? Why does he tackle Marie during the football game? Why does he sing badly at the talent show?" And I realize that not everyone understands Dan to the extent that we, the awkward, can.<br />
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In Dan's case the source of the awkwardness appears to be the presence of a passion that he is unable to express due to his circumstances. He develops a habit of keeping his passion inside for the sake of his family, and as he lives his most passionate thoughts and feelings inside of himself his actions just come off as... awkward. His awkwardness indicates that he has deeply held emotions under the surface.<br />
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Ultimately Dan learns that though he focuses all of his energy on his family, the best thing he can do for his family is take care of himself. When he self-sacrifices to the point that he can't be happy, he becomes overbearing. When he is happy he can be better for them. By falling in love with Marie and allowing himself that joy, Dan can reconnect with his daughters. It's all a part of the giant balancing act of life.<br />
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The first time I introduced Owen to Dan I barely paid attention to the movie because I was afraid that Owen wouldn't connect with Dan the way that I do. I just didn't feel like Owen could ever really like me if he didn't like Dan. To my great enjoyment Owen understood and liked Dan better than anyone else I had ever introduced to<i> Dan in Real Life</i>.Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-65572253055460116722012-09-23T20:01:00.001-05:002012-10-01T15:51:35.821-05:00Catch-22<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/99/Catch22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/99/Catch22.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>"There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. If he flew them, he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to, he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle." -- </i></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 19px;"><i>Catch-22</i> by Joseph Heller</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;">According to Urban Dictionary, Catch-22 has become a more general term describing "a situation wherein both options are seen to have negative consequences." Whether we define it by its original context as a situation that cannot be solved due to inherently illogical rules or by the colloquial use above, in the context of relationships, we will all face Catch-22s. </span></span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgDKbxCXXxUNZ30Mlb7jyM6-OgUJhXlxNwPpP4Q4n4r2gSoahoWTH7Vj4T6JJBp2KDuWBAmMs3VLZ7Rm53VccuxDnljdGi7aaL2d_-Ys9yWV3lK9scNtK0LFCyce6bB546nVtBlmF33KQ/s1600/NewOrleans.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgDKbxCXXxUNZ30Mlb7jyM6-OgUJhXlxNwPpP4Q4n4r2gSoahoWTH7Vj4T6JJBp2KDuWBAmMs3VLZ7Rm53VccuxDnljdGi7aaL2d_-Ys9yWV3lK9scNtK0LFCyce6bB546nVtBlmF33KQ/s320/NewOrleans.jpg" width="189" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Spending ten weeks living and working in inner city New Orleans during one summer vacation from college gave me a taste of how much can be learned from immersing oneself in a completely different culture. In many ways I was completely separated from most of those things that I had previously believed formed my identity: I lived without clothing I liked, without music I liked, without food I liked, without the car I liked, and without the people I loved. I found myself stripped of everything I though was me, and yet I continued to breathe, to eat, and to love the people around me. If you've ever experienced anything like it you know how cleansing it is. I yearn to experience this again, but to a greater extent. Thus, I have long wanted to join the Peace Corps.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then, I fell in love with Owen. We have so many plans. We want education and children. At first I held onto the idea that Owen and I would join the Peace Corps together after he graduates from his PhD program, but we don't want to have to put off having children for that long. Day by day my dream of joining the Peace Corps felt more unlikely. A few weeks ago the frustration of a Catch-22 like choice hit me. I felt that by being with Owen I would never get that immersion experience again. Yet, I have already determined that I do not care to pursue anything without him. By following him to Iowa I felt unhappy and unfulfilled, and yet I can't possibly be happy or fulfilled without him. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The thing you never hear about <i>Catch-22</i>, but, which to me, seems most important is the moment when Yossarian finds his freedom from Catch-22. Orr, the crazy man described in the comment above, fakes his own death and leaves. When Yossarian figures out what Orr has done, he realizes that Catch-22 isn't real.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">As I sat bawling my eyes out on the lawn of the Old Capital Building, Owen, much more versed in world traveling than I am, helped me to understand that there are other options for us besides the Peace Corps. Actually, there are many many options to work abroad, even with children. He reminded me that his very own family worked and lived abroad, experiencing other cultures during his childhood. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There are never only two options. When we allow ourselves to get caught in Catch-22, it is only because our minds are limited. </span></span>Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247271360615571165.post-78195632924224037572012-09-16T20:53:00.002-05:002012-10-01T15:55:41.048-05:00Advice on AdviceWhen Owen and I announced our engagement we couldn't avoid it no matter how hard we tried. Advice is everywhere, and it comes from so many different sources that you can pretty much choose any advice that you want to get. If you want advice encouraging you to get married, you will find it. If you want advice encouraging you not to get married, you will find it. That's true of just about everything now, especially with all these know-it-alls, like myself, posting our opinions all over the inter-web. How can we even begin to pick the good advice from the bad advice?<br />
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First of all, know your source. What perspective is this advice coming from?<br />
I'm that friend that always asks, "So, do you think you'll get married?" As a young wife who greatly enjoys marriage I tend to want everyone else to get married too. Within my excitement for love I have accidentally encouraged relationships between people who should not have been together, only to regret it later. Objectivity is rare: even professional advice, such as that coming from counselors or doctors, can only be given from the perspective of an emotional being.<br />
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In matters of love, you should know some background information about where you're getting your advice from. Obviously newlyweds are going to give you different advice from new divorcees, and most advice is going to be surrounding matters that the individual giving it doesn't fully understand.<br />
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Second, be open to advice from weird sources. It is my personal philosophy that wisdom can come in all forms, from people of all ages, and even hidden in the midst of folly. Here's a weird example:<br />
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Owen and I are planners. We think about everything ahead of time, so it is no wonder that though we don't plan on having children for another three years or so, we already have names picked out and we are already considering how it will affect our relationship. Right now we greatly enjoy knowing that we are each others' first priorities. Adding children to the mix can really only mess up that balance. The advice, or more, random quotation from a random source that most settled my apprehensions on this matter came from <i>American Ninja Warrior</i>.<br />
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One of the competitors was describing his love for his family and said, "My children have my heart, and my wife has my soul." It's so cheesy, and it's from such a rando source, but it really speaks to me about how we can find love for our children and our spouses without having to neglect either. So, I suggest that we be open to finding advice or good wisdom wherever it might arise.<br />
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Yet, given the surplus of advice and wisdom (or folly) available to us, how do we choose what is best without becoming laws unto ourselves? Is there a way to measure what is good when goodness seems to vary from culture to culture and moment to moment? The only sense that I've been able to make of this conundrum is in the ancient concept of the good tree bearing good fruit. It's in the results!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f0/Undertree1.png/512px-Undertree1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f0/Undertree1.png/512px-Undertree1.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fruit Pickers Harvesting Under the Mango Tree<br />
Fernando Amorsolo 1939</td></tr>
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When evaluating advice perhaps we should think, "Does this advice bring me peace?" "Does it make me feel more connected to myself and others?" "Does it have the potential of hurting others or myself?" And yet, we cannot truly know that advice is good or bad until after we have given it a go. As is shown throughout history, hindsight is always 20/20.<br />
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And thus comes my next bit of advice. Don't let the fear of making mistakes keep you from acting. Especially in the context of relationships, making the big decisions like getting married, breaking up, moving to a new state to stay together, maintaining a relationship long distance, or whatever can be life changing and frightening. Mistakes will be made, and that is okay. Greatness and great happiness do not come from making the easy decisions.Summer (and Owen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/16658191266730611080noreply@blogger.com0